Started A Joke
A woman s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”
“What dear?” She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you re bad luck, why don t you fuck off?”
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Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I ve been with a loose woman.
The priest sighs. Is that you, little Tommy O Shaughnessy?
Yes, Father, tis I.
And who might be the woman you were with?
I shan t be tellin you, Father. It would ruin her reputation.
Well, Tommy, I m bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O Malley?
I cannot say.
Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?
I ll never tell.
Was it Lisa O Shanter?
I m sorry, but I ll not name her.
Was it Cathy O Dell?
My lips are sealed.
Was it Fiona Mallory, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.
The priest sighs in frustration. You re a steadfast lad, Tommy O Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you ve sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now.
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, What d you get?
Five more good leads!
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A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn’t pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, “Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?”
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little ‘accident’, she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?”
He answers, “Madam, if you farted just touching it, you’re going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.”
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A guy calls a law office and says: “I want to talk to my lawyer.”
The receptionist replies, “I m sorry, but he died last week.”
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, “I told you yesterday, he died last week.”
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, “I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?”
The guy says, “Because I just love hearing it.”
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Moses, Jesus and a very old man were out golfing one fine day.
Moses drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into a water hazard. So he parted the water and knocked the ball onto the green.
Jesus drives his ball and it bounced off two trees into the water. So he walked on the water and scooped his ball onto the green.
The very old man drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into the water, the ball was eaten by a fish, the fish swam to the surface and was snatched up by a bird, the bird flew upward and was struck by lightning, the fish fell from the sky onto the green, the ball bounced out of the fishes mouth, and the ball rolled into the hole.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, “I hate golfing with your dad.”
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