Stand Up Comics Jokes
The Day of Judgement has arrived. Major disasters everywhere: flood, fire, disease.
St. Peter has been at the Gates of Heaven for three straight days, asking the millions of victims some very basic questions.
Jesus comes along and sees that Peter is much too tired to continue.
“Pete, take a break and I’ll do this for a while”.
So Jesus takes over and asks each potential resident their name, occupation, and number of children, where applicable.
After a time, an old, feeble man appears before him.
“Your name sir?” asks Jesus
“I don’t know” replies the man.
“Occupation?”
Again the old man replies that he doesn’t recall.
“Number of children?”
“No clue” says the man.
Somewhat exasperated, Jesus starts anew. “Your name really isn’t that important. However, your occupation is. Please concentrate sir; what did you do for a living, how did you gain your livelihood?”
The old man, lost in thought, slowly starts to piece it together.
“Well,” he says “I can recall working with my hands a lot. In fact, looking at the splinters in my palms, I’d have to say that I was a carpenter.”
“Excellent and honorable occupation sir. Well done! Now for the next step: How many, if any, children did you have?”
Once again the old man furrows his brow and tries desperately to remember.
After a long while he says “I’m almost sure I had one child and since I can’t remember any dresses or dolls, I’m sure the child was a boy.
And one more thing, this boy of mine was ostracized because he had holes in his hands, his feet, and his sides”.
Finally piecing the story together, Jesus jumps to his feet, the ultimate realization of who he has encountered striking him like a bolt of lightning.
With tears in his eyes, he yells “Father!!”
The old man, equally moved, rises and screams “Pinocchio!!”
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A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you”.
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley, “maybe we will see what we can do.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, why are you crying?”
“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied. I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”
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A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, “If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you.”
The hippie of course says that he’d love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. “If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder,” says the bus driver, “You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you.”
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she’s in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. “I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first,” he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, “Ha ha, I’m the hippie! “
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, “Ha ha, I’m the bus driver!”
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A grade-one teacher was welcoming her students back to school
after their summer vacation.
She said, “Now class, before we begin work, would anyone like to
share with the class anything interesting you may have done on
your summer holidays?”
Nobody voluntered so she said, “How about you Mary”?
Mary said, “Well, Miss it was my birthday in July and for my
birthday I received a Bow-Wow”
The teacher said, “Now Mary you are no longer in kindergarden,
you are a big girl now, you don’t say bow wow you can say dog”.
So Mary said, “It was my birthday in July and for my birthday I
received a dog”.
The teacher than said, “How about you David”?
David said, ” Miss, I went to visit a farm in August and at the
farm I saw a moo-moo”.
The teacher said, “Now David you are no longer in kindergarden,
you are a big boy now so you don’t say moo-moo, you say cow”.
So David said “O.k Miss I went to visit a farm in August and I
saw a cow”.
Johnny was waving his hand in anxious anticipation, saying “Miss,
Miss”.
The teacher said,”Yes Johnny would you like to share something
with us?”.
Johnny said, “Yes miss, I read a really good book over the
summer”.
The teacher said, “Good, what was the name of the book”?
Johnny said, “WINNIE THE DUMP”.
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Bill Clinton trips and falls over a bridge railing while jogging one morning. Before the Secret Service guys can get to him, three kids who are fishing pull him out of the water below. He s so grateful, he offers the kids whatever they want.
The first kid shouts, I want to go to Disneyland with my friends! and Bill replies, No problem. I ll take you on Air Force One.
The second kid says, I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordans, to which Bill says, I ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!
The third kid says, I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!
Clinton, looking perplexed, utters: But, son, you don t look like you re handicapped.
The kid answers, I will be once my dad finds out I saved your sorry ass from drowning.
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