Chuck Noris Jokes
Hazel was a 93-year-old woman, particularly despondent over the death of her husband, Earl.
She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over quickly, she took out Earl’s old Army pistol and
made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called
her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor told her, “Your heart would be just below your left breast.”
Later that night Hazel was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.
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It was near the end of basic training and all the soldiers were getting ready for the war.
A private came charging into his Lieutenant’s office and said ” Lieutenant, we don’t have enough rifles. What am I going to use for the war?”
“I don’t have time to deal with this right now” the lieutenant thought.
He grabbed a broom, sawed off the bottom, and handed it to the solder. “Here use this instead.”
“How is this going to work?”
“When you see the bad guys coming at you, just point it at them and say ‘Bangity Bang Bang, Bang Bang’”.
So the private ran out with his new “rifle”. But soon he came running back to the Lieutenant saying “Lieutenant, we don’t have enough bayonets!”
The Lieutenant grabbed a piece of string off of his desk and gave it the private. “When you see the bad guys coming just throw this at them and say ‘Stabity Stab Stab, Stab Stab.’”
So the private was all ready for his war. He was sitting in a fox hole, hating being out there, when he saw an enemy creeping along the top of a nearby hill.
He grabbed his broom, pointed it at the bad guy and said “Bangity Bang Bang, Bang Bang Bangity Bang Bang, Bang Bang” and he fell down dead.
“Wow this really works” thought the private. He started going through the underbrush when another enemy jumped out and try to gut him - he threw his string at him and said, ‘Stabbity Stab Stab, Stab Stab!’. The enemy fell down, dead.
Pretty soon, he saw another guy rampaging through the woods. He pointed his broomstick at him and yelled, ‘Bangity Bang Bang, Bang Bang!’ Nothing, so he did it again, ‘Bangity Bang Bang, Bang Bang!’ The guy was running at him now. He threw the string, Stabbit Stab Stab StabStab!’ The enemy kept running at him and plowed him over, mortally wounding him.
Then he heard the big guy mumbling as he went past him “Tankity Tank Tank Tank Tank Tankity Tank Tank Tank Tank.”
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A woman goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn’t work. The clerk tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! “GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!”
The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, “What’s wrong?”
She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, “GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!”
In shock, the store manager pleads, “Ma’am, why are you saying that?” In a huff, the woman says, “BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I’M GETTING SCREWED!”
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Secretaries Colin Powell and Dennis Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the bartender, Isn t that Powell and Rumsfeld? The barkeep says, Yep, that s them.
So, the guy walks over to the two and says, Hello, what are you guys doing?
Rumsfeld says, We re planning a war, to which the guy replies, Really? What s going to happen?
Rumsfeld says, Well, we re going to kill 10 million Iraquis and one bicycle repairman.
And the guy exclaims, Why are you going to kill a bicycle repairman!?!
With that, Rumsfeld turns to Powell and says, See, I told you no one would care about the 10 million Iraquis!
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Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts.
His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, “I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I’m very proud of that fact.”
The teacher says, “If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?”
Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.
The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, and there was not a trace of chalk dust left on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt.
“No wonder you won!” he exclaimed indignantly, “you’ve got a Double-Barrel!”
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